


create and destroy

by nikkiRA



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam is emotionally constipated, Gansey makes a brief cameo as overprotective dad, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 16:51:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7181153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkiRA/pseuds/nikkiRA
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t know how to tell him that Ronan is a creator, a dreamer of impossible things, and all a Parrish knows how to do is destroy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	create and destroy

**Author's Note:**

> I just realized I just.....didn't include a summary for this??? Lmao whoops

It is Gansey who corners him first.

“This is exactly what I told you not to do.”

There is no arguing with this; Adam just looks away.

“ _Adam,”_ Gansey says.

“Yeah, I know,” Adam says.

Gansey seems more frustrated at how compliant Adam is than anything else. He had been gearing up for a fight, clearly, and he doesn’t know how to deal with Adam’s quiet acquiescence.

“Then why are you _doing_ it?”

Adam shifts from foot to foot. “I’m going to be late for class.”

“No you’re not. You’re being a coward.”

Adam flinches away from Gansey’s words and the heat with which he says them, and he is reminded, violently, that before it was Gansey and Adam, it was Gansey and Ronan. It’s always been Gansey and Ronan.

“I know that, too,” Adam says quietly. Gansey watches in disbelief as Adam moves away and heads down the hallway.

It’s been a week since everything fell to shit and then somehow came back together again. It’s been a week since Adam has said anything at all to Blue – she was the easiest to ignore, after all. Gansey was difficult, because it was Gansey, but Adam found it easier to face Gansey than anyone else. Ronan was difficult, because Ronan thrived on being difficult, because everything Ronan ever did was difficult. Ronan was not going to let himself be ignored without fighting back, to the point where he was showing up to class on a regular basis, something that seemed to be confusing his teachers. Rarely did he actually try to talk to Adam, not anymore. He seemed to be content just being constantly in his presence, reminding Adam of what an asshole he was being.

He was even avoiding Cheng, even though Adam had basically always been avoiding Cheng.

Ronan is in his next class. Adam takes his regular seat and Ronan comes in shortly after, sitting down heavily beside Adam. Ronan was impossible to ignore regularly, but it was even harder now, with all that had happened thrumming through Adam’s veins. Adam had given himself to Cabeswater, and Ronan _was_ Cabeswater, even if Cabeswater was gone, now. It was impossible to ignore that connection.

Then there was the other stuff that had happened on Ronan’s birthday. That was impossible to ignore, too. Adam didn’t want to.

The bell rings and Adam is out of his seat, but Ronan doesn’t move. Adam risks a glance back at him and isn’t surprised that Ronan is looking at him. He can’t read Ronan’s expression, doesn’t know if he’s angry or hurt. He hopes he’s angry. Adam deserves Ronan’s anger.

He looks away, walks away. He has work.

He feels Ronan’s eyes on him the entire time.

* * *

He comes home after work and collapses into bed fully dressed. He manages to toe off his shoes, at least, but he lies on his shitty bed on top of his thin blanket still in his work clothes, and he is almost asleep when there is a banging on his door. He can tell immediately by how hard the banging is that it’s Ronan.

Adam ignores it. He can’t do this now.

The banging continues, and then Ronan’s voice comes, “I will kick your goddamn door down, Parrish, and you’ll lose your security deposit.”

This gets Adam up, not out of any real concern for his security deposit, because he knows Ronan will not only break his door down, but he’ll pay for it, too. Adam gets up, fumbles for the lights, and then opens the door.

He doesn’t admit to himself that he’s doing it mainly because he misses Ronan, but he does.

Ronan looks at him. “Did you just come home from work?”

“No,” Adam says tiredly. Ronan looks at him, blocking the door.

“If you think I’m not going to make a scene in a church you’re wrong, Parrish, so let me in.”

“Ronan –” but it is a futile attempt, because he is just of tired as this as Ronan is.

Ronan comes in and Adam shuts the door and leans against it, looking away. He expects Ronan to swear, to argue, but all that happens is he says, in a voice that Adam would almost describe as _nervous,_ “If you don’t want… if you want to pretend that whatever happened didn’t, if you want to just, whatever, I would appreciate it if you would tell me instead of just doing _this.”_

He doesn’t mean what Adam is perpetually thinking about. He means the kissing. Adam doesn’t want to forget about the kissing.

“That’s not what – I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t want that.”

Despite everything, Ronan looks relieved. “Then what is the fucking problem?”

“Ronan, I don’t want to do this now.”

“I am not leaving until you tell me why you’re avoiding me.”

Adam finally raises his eyes. There are still two light marks on Ronan’s neck, and while anyone else might not notice them, Adam recognizes them as thumb imprints.

“Parrish,” Ronan says again.

“I almost killed you,” he finally says quietly, because as much as he believes he doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near Ronan, he also misses him fiercely, in a way he never thought it was possible to miss Ronan Lynch.

“Is that what this is about?” Ronan asks, almost scornfully. “Jesus, Parrish.”

“No, don’t do that, don’t just write it off and pretend it wasn’t a big deal –”

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

“You would have _died._ I would have _killed_ you.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Ronan, _please.”_

“It wasn’t you. Maybe it was a big deal, fine, but it wasn’t you, so it shouldn’t matter. You didn’t have control over yourself.”

But here’s the thing – Adam has heard this before. He’s heard it all before. _It wasn’t him, Adam. He didn’t have control over himself. He was drunk._ Never mind that Robert was almost always drunk; never mind that even when he wasn’t that never stopped him. Adam’s father had once wrapped his hands around Adam’s throat and the stench of booze on his breath hadn’t made him feel any better about that fact. Even if it was true (which it wasn’t), and alcohol made his father a different person (instead of an angrier version of the same person), that knowledge wouldn’t have stopped the fear Adam felt as thumbs pressed down on his throat, and it didn’t help the sore throat he’d had after.

But he doesn’t know how to tell Ronan that. He doesn’t know how to tell him that Ronan is a creator, a dreamer of impossible things, and all a Parrish knows how to do is destroy. He doesn’t know how to tell him that alcohol is its own kind of demon, and that never stopped him from blaming Robert Parrish.

“You would have died because of me.”

“But I didn’t.”

“Why are you so calm about this whole thing?”

Ronan shrugs. “Because I know you’d never hurt me.”

Adam flinches away from these words. “You don’t know that.”

Ronan gazes at him, looking unconvinced. Then he narrows his eyes. “Yes, I do. I know that because you are not your fucking father.”

“I would have done it. I would have killed you, I would have _choked_ you to _death_ right in front of me and Gansey and Blue and –” He cuts off as Ronan steps towards him. He watches as Ronan grabs his hands and lifts them. When Adam sees what he is about to do he pulls away, but Ronan grabs his hands again, grip strong, and places them around his neck, lining Adam’s thumbs up with the bruise that indicates that they were there before.

“Ronan –”

“Stop,” he says, in a commanding voice, and Adam obeys. They stand like that, with Adam’s hands gripped lightly around Ronan’s throat, until Ronan eventually says, “See? When I say it wasn’t you I’m not being fucking metaphorical, Parrish, I don’t mean it was your inner fucking demons, I mean it was an _actual fucking demon who was controlling you._ What you did to Blue was not your fault. What you did to me was not your fault. Stop being a fucking martyr.”

“I’m not being a martyr.” His hands are still around Ronan’s neck.

“Yes you are, you’re avoiding everyone because you got possessed as if you had any say in the matter.”

“What if I had succeeded?” He knows he just keeps saying the same thing over and over again, but he keeps remembering the look in Ronan’s eyes as Adam attacked him, and Adam could feel the life seeping out of him, and he can’t get it out of his head. It’s all he thinks about it. He dreams about it, about Ronan slumping against him, lifeless, dead because of him. Ronan had pressed kisses to Adam’s fingers and then Adam wrapped them around his throat.

“Then I give you permission to be upset,” Ronan says breezily. Adam rolls his eyes.

“That’s not funny.”

“I’m not trying to be funny.”

“Ronan –” Ronan steps forward again, lining their bodies up, and he kisses him silent. Adam’s body sags in relief, and his thumbs slide away from the front of Ronan’s neck, resting on the back of it as he kisses him.

Ronan slides a hand down Adam’s back as he pulls away, and Adam says, “I’m sorr –” but Ronan kisses him again. Adam can’t help but smile a little bit.

“You can’t just do that every time I’m about to say something you don’t want to hear.”

“Watch me.” He kisses him again, and Adam doesn’t stop him, but Ronan pulls away before Adam wants him to and says, “Your name is not a curse,” he mutters, lips sliding down Adam’s jaw. “There’s a difference between being a drunk asshole and having a literal demon controlling you.”

“That was poetic,” Adam mutters. “See what actually going to class does?”

“Fuck off,” Ronan says, half-heartedly.

“I can’t believe you came to school all week.”

“It was the only place I knew for sure you’d be.”

“I’m sorry,” he says again, and Ronan lets him say it. Maybe he knows how important it is to Adam. It’s another way to separate himself from his father, who never apologized for anything.

“It’s okay,” Ronan says, because that’s important, too, the verbal acknowledgement that he is forgiven.

“How mad is Blue?” He asks.

“She’s ready to tear you apart with her bare hands.”

“I probably deserve it.”

“Definitely,” Ronan says against his neck. “Call her later.”

“I think I might call her now, actually,” he says teasingly. He tries to take a step away from Ronan, but he is already pushed between him and the door, and Adam has nowhere to go. Not that he minds, he thinks, as Ronan pushes him harder into the door.

“Later,” Ronan repeats, and Adam laughs.

“Later,” he agrees.

He presses his lips to the faded bruising on Ronan’s neck, promises to apologize for them a thousand times over.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @borderlineadamparrish


End file.
